i feel trapped because
i have no money in my wallet
and all my dreams are
dead.
in my dreams,
i reach for my ribcage and break one of them,
my hands wet with blood.
in my dreams,
i use that piece of broken bone
to quiet my
very hungry
heart.
and i cut at the veins with
a jagged
knife,
it’s edges
rusty with use,
though it’s tip
still shines with
violence.
i cut away, carelessly,
not minding the pain,
(it reminds me that i’m still alive)
until
it went away, and was
replaced by
cold, silent
numbness.
i cut until there isn’t
any left
to cut anymore.
They beat her bloody and well, their cruel hands lashing and lashing and raking, leaving her body a mausoleum of blooming bruises and broken bones.
Elanor pays them no heed, counting instead every time they would hit her, and how she would hit them twice as much in return, when the time comes.
“How do you like this, you bastard bitch? I’ll bet you were fathered by a whore your precious king bought for a piece o’ bread.”
Elanor kneels, despite her body eagerly giving up on her, her face so swollen that she could hardly speak.
“And your cock is so small that no woman would ever want to fuck you, even for a bag of gold.”
The next thing Elanor knew is of blinding pain, and she fell to the dirty cage floor, her wings clipped and her songs unsung.
“Long ago, there once was a beautiful mermaid who fell in love with a mortal. Being of royal blood, she knew the deadly consequences of such an act. Hiding herself from the prying eyes of her mother, the princess ventures into the deeper parts of the sea, and in the sea-witch’s lair she asks for shapely human legs. She did not lose her divine voice, or anything else. With great joy she carries the small bottle into her chambers, only to find her queen-mother there. For her betrayal, the princess is cast out of the sea, holding nothing but her spell and the love in her heart.”
She steals a glance at the child sitting beside her, bright blue eyes alight in curiosity.
The woman smiles.”She goes to the prince that she so loved and lost everything for, and seeing that he had loved someone else, angered the sweet princess. That night, as the prince slept, she took a silver dagger and plunged it in his heart. After that, the princess was made the queen of his whole kingdom. And she lived happily ever after.”
Dalla closes the book. “Would you like another story, love?”
The child nods eagerly. “Read me the one about pirates!”
“But of course.”
my biggest mistake
was not
in loving
you.
it was that i
pretended
that you (somehow)
felt the same way
too.
“How is the bastard girl you’re training for the slaughter?”
Neros’ eyes narrow. “You should not call my queen such a name.”
The hooded figure bristles, her gloved hands curling into black fists.
“And why not? That is the truth, my dear Neros. You say that the blood of kings run in her veins and yet I see none of her father’s eloquence or his brilliance in battle. Thousands of men have died because of her mistakes! She is no candidate for the throne-“
“Enough! She is the last of Alestan’s line. What choice do we have? The council will not relent should we choose an heir that is not directly descended from him.”
The cloaked woman stays still for so long that Neros thought she had turned into stone.
“The council are complete idiots. I would kill them all if it would not cause a greater war than the one I am already waging.” She straightens her stand and walks away, disappearing into the frigid, northern night.
Neros watches her leave, and shivers when he notices how the cave had suddenly gone cold within a moment of her absence.
and as i turn you to
ashes
with my touch,
you will love it,
like a prey that has no choice
but to surrender
to the tigress’s sharp,
white
teeth.
You stare at me, unblinking and braced, as if a sudden storm was about to hit the moment I open my mouth.
I was shaking.
“I think I’m in love with you.” The words stumble carelessly, and I could suddenly feel how very real this is, and not some drunken confession done because of a misplaced dare.
You continue to stare, and melt me slowly with those eyes as the realization slowly dawns on you.
I fumble over what words to say and what to do, but my instinct stills my head from working and my heart is beating so fast. I am still shaking.
I love you and I’m admitting it oh my how quaint! You probably don’t want anything to do with me but don’t worry, love, I’m not expecting anything in return. Just please don’t leave please, please, please.
“I’m sorry,” I say.
I stand and run away, like I always do because the truth hurts almost always, and this was not an exception.
I did not wear my heart on a sleeve. I hid it as I would hide something I am ashamed of; a weakness. I kept it from the world, in fear and in loneliness.
But something changed when I came to know you.
Again, I did not wear my heart on a sleeve.
It was not love, that I know, but I felt a change, a stirring, whenever you would cross my mind. It was a nuisance, really.
A necessity I had to live with.
Perhaps I loved you. If by loving you means that I wanted to forget every memory I have of you and shred any feelings that I once had, then perhaps I did.
It hurt too much, darling, to be worth fighting for at all. I’m not as young as I was before.
i don’t need
your chaste
touches,
or your gentle
smiles.
there is no room
left
in my heart
for such tender
things.
i want your cigarette-
stained kisses and
sly fingers trailing fire
in their path.
i want your whispers
full of promise
and heartbreak,
hands that bruise
and teeth that mark.
i want you to piece me together,
then ruin me again
i want you to
leave me
wanting
so much
more.
The townsfolk call her many things. Kind is not one of them.
They say that she is from the sea, a being who lures men deep beneath the cold waters of the northern sea, which is named after her.
Dalla.
They cower and shiver at the sound of her name; their cruel queen. But she is worshiped, nonetheless, a goddess as dangerous as the tides and winds.
She grips their love and fear as a warrior wields a sword, a weapon of endless possibilities, a piece of power she can feast upon until her whole world is drenched in red and the cerulean of the sea.
They say that she is a siren trapped on foreign land, forced to rule until she had found her song. Only then will she return to the shore and retrace her steps into the deep. There her mother waits, they whisper, the most monstrous of them all, wielding a golden spear and sits her bosom upon a pearl throne.
But the game has changed, Dalla observes, as do the seas before a mighty storm. Thunders bellow and lightning strikes the skies, and she is briefly reminded of the sound of kingdoms burning and breaking in half.
When all is done and in utter ruins, Harimet walks toward the cliff overlooking the battlefield. The grass is green and wet with dew beneath her sandaled feet, but below the land is a motley of brown and red and the tattered colors of black and gold.
She sighs deeply and takes in the filthy air, the musk of battle and death clinging to her skin.
Below, she can hear the screams of men and women. Whether it is in glory or pain she cannot tell.
Below, the bodies of her enemy’s soldiers are being dragged to carts and wooden carriages, to be sent to the bastard queen of the East as a gift. It would please her to hear what she has to say. Harimet smiles at the thought. It is almost as if she could hear Elanor raging, fingers digging into her callused palms, pounding her fists on maps and brandishing her infamous sword, trying desperately to raise the morale of her men.
It reminded her of her own beginning as queen, when the world was so strange and deadly to a young girl holding so much within her grasp.
She almost felt sorry for the child.
i love you in the only way i could,
not in the way i should,
or in the way i would.
and i’m sorry.
They’ve gotten what they wanted out of me, Father. Do you hear that? I gave it to them, willing as you please. I would have placed it upon a bloody silver platter if they allowed me to.
I tire of being strong, of trying to be. I’m tired of all the fighting.
It’s cost us so much, Father.
I’ve lost so many that I loved.
I can’t believe this is what has become of your kingdom. My kingdom. I wanted my people to be safe, so I did the only thing I could do. I surrendered. I let them rip your banner down the castle walls, let their men put yours to the sword, let them rape and pillage and steal and burn. The weight of it all is heavy in my heart, but I have done what I should.
They think it is over, that they have won.
But I’m biding my time, Father, and when it comes… oh, you would be so proud of me.
